You are exploring in the woods with a friend when you get lost. You meet a
person who offers to lead you out and you accept. However, before long you get
the feeling you are being led somewhere nobody would want to go.

Charmaine Seehiah E. Asprer

“Wander”

There are words I want to say. There are words you need to know. There’s something you need to hear. There’s my heart beating in the rhythm of my life. There’s my lonely eyes again. Hold my hand tell me that you’ll stay. I just need you right here beside me. Let’s walk through the path we don’t know what’s the end. Take us by chance. Wonder. Wander.

It happened again where I lost myself. It keeps coming back. I don’t know how to stop. I know these are just lies. This demon inside me. The colors are now dark. I can’t stop. I can just shout and shout and shout until my last breath is gone. She cried until the last tears are dry. Then she left and in that moment she knows she’s on her own.

No one followed she know the fact that no one really cared. They’re just so busy to mind her. To know what’s slowly killing her. They say they love her butt then the can’t show it the way she wants. She just needs someone. Someone who’ll treat her like she’s the most precious thing they had. Someone who’ll care for her even if they’re already empty. Someone who’ll understand her. Someone who’ll give there all, even if they’re gone. Someone who’ll love her for what she is and the way that she deserves it. That someone, that someday.

She lost herself finding herself. In the places where serenity and simplicity are merged together mixed with the colors of the world she stayed. She don’t care if she can never come back again because she never mattered anyway. In the middle of the woods she shouted her heart out. The words were only heard by the trees and the birds replied with a song. Then she felt something, something that she never felt before.

“I’ll stay. I’m here” she said. She can’t believe it, those words meant something. And it keeps on repeating. She was scared that she ran away, again until she can’t hear the voices anymore. Because that’s all she does is run away. Wander.

Then she bumps into a woman older than her. The old woman said “Oh dear, you look like you’re lost”. Then I just smiled “you know I am”, finally someone understands me.

“Then let me help you find your home”. Then she walked, I followed her because I’m not scared to travel, that’s my escape.

As we walked we stopped in an unfamiliar place. This is not the forest, it’s far from it. But I love the vibes. It’s very relaxing. Then there’s this lovers, they are so happy. They met when they were broken. I can feel how they can make each other happy. I feel the love, but its not for me.

Then we walk again. This is the moment where I can hear the bells. It’s very peaceful. Then I saw them happily married. No words can express how happy I am for them. The man touches the woman’s womb and said “This is the greatest gift I have ever had, you’ll be someone someday. You’ll be my sunshine.”

We never stopped walking, we continued and right now I hear a baby crying. That is so cute. I saw in the mother’s eyes the happiness, the love, the hope. She embraced the baby like she’s been a part of her. Well she was.

I don’t know when we will stop, I’m so tired. I asked the old lady, “when will we stop?” Then she replied “until we get there”.

So we walked again, now I see children playing everywhere. They are so free. They don’t have any problems. They’re enjoying playing. I was like them, now I will never be.

Darkness. All I can see is darkness. All I can hear are voices. All I feel is what I’ve really felt. The happiness is now gone. The love is now lost. The hope is now broken, so am I. I’m a mess.

I’ve asked the woman “why are we here, it’s different from the last places we’ve been through”. Then all she replied was “we are going there, just stay”. So I stayed for myself

I can hear the sound of nature. I saw someone ran away from something that’s right in front of her. Maybe that’s why, maybe we are so in love with the thought of travelling until we find ourselves but the reality is we lost it all.

Then the old woman stopped and asked me, “are you happy?” then I said “No” then she asked again, “are you loved?” Then I thought for a moment, and said “no, I’m not.” Then she asked for the last time, “are you lonely?” Then finally I said, “yes”.

“You know girl, you really love to travel, you love to wonder, you really love to wander and you’re brave for that because you are never scared to explore different places with anyone.” It’s true.

“But you have explored so many places but not yourself and not your home.”

“How can you say these things to me, you’re that sure?”

“Yes I am because I’ve been in your place.” Wait, what?!

“What do you mean?”

“You see, you really love to wander” then she left.

Reality hits me so hard that there will be no one who’ll stay for me. I’m lost. I kept thinking about everything that happened today, then I realized we went to all the places and moments of my life. That’s my life. Why do I realize all of these things when it’s too late.

“Why?!?!” I shouted.

Then she appeared.

“You love to wander, you love to run away and that’s the reason why all the people in your life who want to stay left because you keep pushing them away. It’s okay to wander but not until you’ve lost yourself, the people around you, your home.”

“I’ll ask for the last time, why do you know me so well?”

“Because I am you.”

 

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