Scientists discover that the Earth and other planets are actually giant animals
moving through space and time, and that humans are basically insects living on top of them. How does society change? What would you do?

Haig Kassarjian

“We’re frickin fleas!” was heard all over the news.

The White House was in disarray: papers flying everywhere, distressed telephone operators trying to calm down the thousands calling in, trying to make heads or tails of whatever was going on.

“Sir, the people need an answer!” The chief of Staff, Rockman, was trying to get the president’s attention. He was in disbelief, because the president was not shocked by the info.

“What do you want, Rockman? An ‘I told you so’? I’ve known this for years. What do you think is in Area 51, huh? Trick question. It’s actually Area 50-None. Moon Landing? Ha: There’s no moon. We are all blind towards the truth, I tell you. Science is…” he rattled on, and Rockman decided that the president had finally cracked. He sent out a distress signal to all nations, trying to find an answer everyone agrees on to give to the public.

In his room on the 5th floor of an apartment, Haig was listening intently to whatever the Chief of Staff was saying. His radio setup captured the exact frequency the radio waves were being sent at, and he sat back, dazed. How were planets animals? What was this sorcery? The planets were round, gaseous, gigantic, not some animals. There must have been a mix-up. But what was he to do?

As he sat there, thinking, a new transmission came up on his device. Static. He played around with the frequency a bit, and suddenly he heard an electronic dial being turned up on the other side of the call: “Bro, you getting this?”

This would have been weird already, had it not been for the sound the voice made. It was detached, yet solid, and his device showed no feedback on any particular leader of a nation. Puzzled, he asked. “Uh, who are you?” Silence. The static went dead. This was getting really weird. He tried again on the same frequency. Nothing. He sat back, defeated. Suddenly, the same call! He picked it up: “Yo, why you ignoring me, bro?”. “Look, I don’t know you, you don’t know me. This was a mistake”. Haig had to act fast if he wanted to keep the triangulation software going (year, he has some cool gadgets) So he blurted out: “You an alien?” Silence. Static kept going, but no sound. Almost done, just a minute longer…

“How do you know that?” the voice said from the speakers. “I mean, pssht, no, pfff. You wish. I’m just anye Joe, nothing to see here”. Done! Opening Google maps… Wait, that can’t be right. Why is it showing Google Earth? Oh. Oh no. Oh boy. This just got a lot weirder.

“If you aint an alien, why is your phone location on a satellite?” “Can’t trust service these days. Who knows what glitch this is?”

Haig was getting impatient, so he said: “I know you guys are aliens, ok? Just beam me up. I got something to show you.” “What are you talk–” “Shut up and listen. It’s about to get weird.”

BAM! Total Darkness. Haig got up quickly and a tall slender creature with a 49ers cap on said “follow me”, and drifted away. No time to process, brain, just don’t explode.

He took Haig to a central room, where there were 4 security cameras on random locations. I had to say something about our world, because the alien seemed too relaxed at this info.

“Did you know our world is an animal? What is going on? I don’t… get… it?” Haig stopped, because the alien, who had the nametag of Fred, was trying to hold back laughter, if you can even call it that.

“Like my prank? All it takes is a bit of Photoshop and some time and your world starts to fall apart!” Haig was confounded! What did he mean, a prank? He looked out the window and it was just a sphere, the Earth, rotating normally. Haig tackled the alien, or, at least tried to. He plased through him.

“What’s wrong? Can;t get a “hold” of the situation?” Fred burst out laughing. Haig was pissed. “You have ANY idea what the world is going through?!?” “Relax, it’s just a prank bro. Watch this.”

And Everything went black.

Haig woke up in his bed the next morning, feeling refreshed, as if he had slept for a long time. He felt woozy, but managed to get up and rubbed his eyes. He looked out the window, and saw Fred. “What the?? How? Why? Wha-??” “Chill out. I thought you got used to me. Come on, now its my turn to show you something.”

Haig was skeptical, but he went anyway. Fred pushed a button marked “If…”, and suddenly they were in space again, but the planets…, were not actually planets.

Giant Stingrays, Buluga whales and Galapagos Turtles roamed the universe. Their moons? Baby versions. It was incredible… the beauty…

“This is what the people saw for a brief time period “If…” news. “If this happened, what would be the outcome?” Here’s a basic rundown of what you could have been a part of: The US government collapsed, scientology priests became the all-knowing seers, Everyone was required to sign forms that showed they were “anti-spherical”, and, basically, the world devolved significantly. Look, Earth is basically the Harlem of the universe, but the only reason it’s still here is that I like your species. You guys are usually sooo dumb, but sometimes, you know what you’re doing. For instance, look outside. That’s Elon Musk’s car. How? Why? Who knows… it’s that kind of advancement I like, so you guys are ok. But, if you start another world war, I have the “animal planets” card under my belt. Be warned. I won’t be so merciful next time.” Haig was just standing there. that’s it? The world’s fate rested in the hands of Fred? Well, the only upside was that the world was, at least, back to normal.

Haig was somber, and he didn’t know what to say. His world was the same, for now, but he knew the truth. But who would listen to him? It’s always these types of situations that get to you. He didn’t know what to do.

Fred saw the look on his face, and realized that Haig’s world view was shattered, so he tried to make up for it.

“Listen, it’s not all bad. While the world might have ended in that reality, us guardians would have stepped in and taken you guys in some place safe. Forget about this, you’re fine.” Haig took a deep breath, and he relaxed. Suddenly, he was in the oval office! The president was playing fortnite, and once he saw Haig, he screamed! Fred was invisible, but he urged Haig to ask his question.

“Mr. President, if the world was a giant animal, what would you have your astronauts say? And don’t lie to me, or Fred here will liquify your insides (felt good saying that to the most powerful man in the world.”

“Alright, alright, I’ll talk. I’m not a lunatic. I’m a conspiracy theorist. I would have told everyone the truth! The people need to know!”

“Got your answer?” asked Fred, and Haig was content.

Haig got home, and just lay there, thinking. What a DAY! It’s a good thing the world wasn’t an animal, or else the world…

“Come in, come in, all nations!” came a voice from the radio. “We have just received word that the earth is a giant llama. How do we preceed?”

Here we go again, Haig sighed. “Beam me up”

 

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